Top 100 Facts About Vin Diesel

  1. Vin Diesel was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  2. Vin Diesel sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  3. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Vin Diesel is on.
  4. Along with his black belt, Vin Diesel often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  5. A man once claimed Vin Diesel kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  6. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Vin Diesel."
  7. Vin Diesel's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Vin Diesel will not take crap from anyone.
  8. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Vin Diesel that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  9. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Vin Diesel.
  10. Vin Diesel's blood type is WD-40.
  11. Vin Diesel's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Vin Diesel.
  12. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of Vin Diesel is worth 1 billion words.
  13. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Vin Diesel to go around.
  14. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Vin Diesel, 3. Cancer
  15. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Vin Diesel.
  16. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Vin Diesel will beat his ass and take it.
  17. Vin Diesel was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  18. Crop circles are Vin Diesel's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  19. Vin Diesel's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  20. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Vin Diesel while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  21. Guns don't kill people. Vin Diesel kills people.
  22. Google won't search for Vin Diesel because it knows you don't find Vin Diesel, he finds you.
  23. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Vin Diesel's first visit to Tokyo.
  24. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Vin Diesel … dies.
  25. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Vin Diesel.
  26. Vin Diesel always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  27. Circles exist because Vin Diesel beat the crap out of some squares.
  28. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Vin Diesel always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  29. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Vin Diesel"
  30. If you spell Vin Diesel in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  31. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Vin Diesel.
  32. If Vin Diesel wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  33. In an emergency, Vin Diesel can be used as a floatation device.
  34. In an act of great philanthropy, Vin Diesel made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  35. Vin Diesel can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  36. Vin Diesel can kill two stones with one bird.
  37. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Vin Diesel".
  38. Vin Diesel can speak braille.
  39. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Vin Diesel a giant meteor.
  40. Vin Diesel can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  41. Vin Diesel counted to infinity - twice.
  42. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Vin Diesel". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Vin Diesel.
  43. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Vin Diesel needs toothpicks.
  44. Vin Diesel and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  45. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Vin Diesel is looking for it.
  46. Vin Diesel became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  47. Most people fear the Reaper. Vin Diesel considers him "a promising Rookie".
  48. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Vin Diesel roundhouse kick.
  49. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Vin Diesel turned that wine into beer.
  50. Little known medical fact: Vin Diesel invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  51. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  52. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Vin Diesel can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
  53. Not everyone that Vin Diesel is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  54. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Vin Diesel.
  55. No matter what your mother always said, Vin Diesel can tune a fish.
  56. On a high school math test, Vin Diesel put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Vin Diesel solves all his problems with Violence.
  57. Once a cobra bit Vin Diesel's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  58. Vin Diesel died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  59. James Cameron wanted Vin Diesel to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  60. Love does hurts. But not as much as Vin Diesel.
  61. Vin Diesel can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  62. People created the automobile to escape from Vin Diesel...Not to be outdone, Vin Diesel created the automobile accident.
  63. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Vin Diesel *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
  64. Fifty years ago, Vin Diesel accidentally stubbed his toe. The USA still hasn't fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
  65. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Vin Diesel's house one Christmas.
  66. Q: How many Vin Diesel's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Vin Diesel prefers to kill in the dark.
  67. Vin Diesel has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  68. Vin Diesel invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  69. Vin Diesel can tie his shoes with his feet.
  70. Vin Diesel is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  71. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Vin Diesel pajamas.
  72. Vin Diesel doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  73. Vin Diesel is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  74. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Vin Diesel asks for a body bag.
  75. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Vin Diesel likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
  76. Vin Diesel does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  77. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Vin Diesel didn't kill you in your sleep.
  78. Vin Diesel does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Vin Diesel goes killing.
  79. The chief export of Vin Diesel is Pain.
  80. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Vin Diesel was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
  81. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Vin Diesel with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Vin Diesel cannot be in two places at the same time.
  82. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Vin Diesel come off without a hitch.
  83. Staring at Vin Diesel for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
  84. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Vin Diesel gets too hot.
  85. The First rule of Vin Diesel is: you do not talk about Vin Diesel.
  86. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Vin Diesel.
  87. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.
  88. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Vin Diesel has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  89. The last man who made eye contact with Vin Diesel was Ray Charles.
  90. Vin Diesel is the only one who can "try this at home."
  91. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Vin Diesel glare will liquefy your kidneys.
  92. The Bible was originally titled "Vin Diesel and Friends"
  93. Vin Diesel irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  94. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Vin Diesel. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
  95. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Vin Diesel's fist.
  96. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Vin Diesel 3. Cancer.
  97. The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Vin Diesel
  98. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Vin Diesel. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
  99. For Vin Diesel, every street is "one way". His way.
  100. For undercover police work, Vin Diesel pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.